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A police officer was cruising his beat when he noticed two men sprawled on the ground in front of a local nightclub. He decided to investigate and, upon closer inspection, found that one of the men was passed out drunk and the other was laying on the ground beside the drunk with his index finger crammed up the drunk’s ass. "What in the hell are you doing?" bellowed the cop. "Well," the sober man replied, "My friend had to much to drink so I am trying to make him puke." "Are you drunk too?" roared the cop. "Don’t you know that you can’t make him puke by sticking your finger up his ass?" "I know," the man replied. " But when I stick this finger in his mouth, he’ll puke by God!"
Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. "What’s that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "Why, that’s my Speaking Clock" the man replied. "How does it work?" "I’ll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "For f*ck’s sake, you w*nker, it’s twenty to two in the f**king morning!!" A man walks into a clock shop and spots a gorgeous assistant. He slaps his dick on the counter and the horrified assistant yells: "It’s a CLOCKSHOP sir". "I know". He replies. "Put two hands and a face on that".
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary’s heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of your husband, I think you’ve regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he’s dead." Mary replied, "He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry."
A guy goes into a Pizza Parlour, and once he’s ordered, the waiter asks him if he’d like it cut into six or eight pieces. The guy thinks and says "you’d better make it six, I don’t think I can eat eight". |
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